Posted By Debbie on June 29, 2009
Continued……….It was the night of Wednesday, April 8, 1987.
It was a night no different from any other. My eleven o’clock bedtime came and as always I struggled to keep the never ending thoughts out of my head until an exhausted sleep could take me comfortably into slumber. It was about two in the morning when a grinding pain in my chest dragged me out of a dead sleep. I had suffered dearly from heartburn during my pregnancies and this felt very much like those attacks. After getting up and getting a drink it eased and allowed me to fall back into sleep. There was no more thought put into it than that. However it was unusually difficult to get myself out of bed the next morning. I seemed to be in a deep funk, not one of those self-induced ones that occasionally happened after a day out on the skidoo trails. I could not shake this weariness that wanted to overtake me. This was going to be a long, long day.
It was one of my few mornings of arriving late, an occurrence I prided myself for not repeating on a regular basis. It was payday so the early birds had to wait an unacceptable ten minutes to get their cheque. When it comes to money people have a very low tolerance for tardiness and patience is not a virtue on those days. The penetrating “where the hell were you” stares didn’t faze me. It was not a good morning to push my buttons. Funny the things you remember. But these thoughts are engrained in my mind, like a well used trail in the woods that never really disappears.
The tired feeling I was having seemed to be worsening and by two in the afternoon I could no longer deny that things were just not quite right. In all my wisdom (or the kick in the butt I gave myself) I decided to call the doctor and try to get in to see him. That, as so often happens with the medical profession, wasn’t possible. We all know this is an even more prevalent problem in current day society. So being a good little girl I made an appointment for the next week but I clearly remember jokingly saying to the receptionist, “That’s if I’m still alive”. That should have meant something to me but I wasn’t listening to my body. Denial has always been a tool I was adept at using.
In retrospect the doctor’s assistant realized that my previous pattern of having to be half dead before I actually went in to see him didn’t come to the forefront of her mind and she felt partially responsible for the outcome of that mistake. My doctor also felt some responsibility lay with him. However, I felt the responsibility wasn’t all theirs, I should have insisted or just gone in to emergency knowing the family history that I had but I didn’t. I was young and like all people my age the thought that my heart was giving out just didn’t occur to me. Also, I have always had a sense of order from the universe. It is my belief that all things happen for a reason. Allowing anything to weigh you down for an unnecessary amount of time is unhealthy for anyone. And I sincerely doubt that there was anything that would have changed the event or the outcome.
My compromise was that I decided to leave early and retire before eleven and get some much needed rest. It was very surreal, this perplexing state that had enveloped me. Everything appeared to me like I was watching a movie in slow motion. My senses were intensified. I felt the cool breeze caress my face and the warmth of the sun penetrating my skin. My hearing increased and all of the sounds around me which had previously been muddled together became individual. The feeling of separation from my body was soothing to my mind. It was a place I wouldn’t have minded visiting for a little longer.
After picking up my four year old daughter, Kelly, from my in town babysitter I headed home and was feeling a little better after the forty five minute drive. It had become my downtime before all those ghastly chores, and I came to rely on it. Pulling into the drive way gave me even more comfort than usual. My twelve year old daughter, Carrie, was at my brother-in-laws. Not being able to reach anyone on the phone (you know those country people can not get enough of that farm fresh air) I decided to let dad start supper and bike over to bring her home.
On my way over I felt like the wicked witch in The Wizard of Oz. Bent over and furiously pumping the pedals seeming to not get anywhere. My first thought was that the bike needed fixing. Ten speeds (the fad of the decade) were not meant for country riding and we often had problems with it. I could not catch my breath and the ride left me gulping for air. My sister-in-law was laughing at me and saying that she would not recommend any long bike trips until I was in better shape. She is a lovely woman but for some reason the comment annoyed me. I just was not in the mood for light banter. But on that day I could not help but agree with her, which was also frustrating.
The ride home was no less daunting and I was glad to see my driveway stretch before me. I managed supper and staying awake until the girls went to sleep and then I succumbed to the bone weariness that I felt.
Continued……….
Quotation:
We are all born into this world with this intuitive guidance system. And if we had all been raised in a more enlightened way, we would have learned to follow this inner guidance throughout our lives. Instead, most of us did not receive much support or encouragement in trusting our own deepest feelings. In fact, many of us were actively taught not to trust ourselves but instead to follow an external authority. Or we were encouraged to be rational — to the exclusion of our intuitive faculties. As adults we can take responsibility for rediscovering and reconnecting with our natural intuitive sense. As we learn to listen to and follow our intuition, we develop an increasingly trusting and powerful relationship with our own inner guidance.
(Author: Shakti Gawain)
Category: My Heart Story |
No Comments »
Tags: atrial ventricular, ejection fraction, Heart Disease, Heart Failure, icd, left coronary artery, Myocardial Infarct, tachycardia, wide complex