(4) Grim Reaper Visits the Heart Unit July 12, 2009
Continued………. I have no recollection of how I got undressed and in a hospital bed.
The pain in my chest persisted and it wasn’t long before I was awake again. At least it wasn’t long enough for me. There was a sense of urgency in the room, but except for my discomfort I felt safe and away from harm. Everyone in the room was intent on their task at hand. They asked me some questions like I had the ability to answer them coherently. The pain in my chest was becoming so severe I actually pleaded with them to give me something to ease the assault on my body. I have always had a high tolerance for pain, but this was way out of my league.
They were busy hooking me up to all sorts of gadgets I knew nothing about and there was a heavenly relief when they finally put that needle into my arm and I slipped away into oblivion. I was not awake for the third attack and I can’t help but believe that was a good thing. I don’t think my psyche could have taken any more of that pain without driving me mad (incidentally, my daughter relates the same sentiment about her induced labour with twins).
When next I awoke I was in the heart unit and my family had set up vigil in the outer room. Now doesn’t that just tell you that something is wrong? After all my family only got together at Christmas and funerals so this had to be a little more serious than I had hoped. Taking that into consideration I felt good, pain free and safe. My doctor, who had been sitting next to me when I awoke, was intent on explaining just why I wasn’t safe. He seemed very solemn and there was a sense of urgency in his eyes. He leaned in quite close and told me what had happened. They had determined that two heart attacks had occurred. He was unaware at that time of the first one that had happened two days before but this seemed unimportant at this juncture.
The doctor explained that because of the heart attacks I had developed several arrhythmias and a massive blood clot on the left ventricle of my heart. His biggest concern at that time was that blood clot may literally burst from the pressure of the blood. I remember looking at him with this “what are you talking about” expression on my face. Very seriously he leaned over me and expressed the importance that I needed to be perfectly still and rest in order for me to achieve my best chance for survival. An insidious, overpowering fear started to envelop me and he could see the disbelief in my eyes was being replaced by panic. It was at that time he confidently took my hand and held it, looking directly into my eyes. His touch was warm and self assured and his eyes held mine. There was no need for him to say anything. I felt his energy extend into me and the panic slipped away.
As the panic receded formed thoughts started to enter my mind. The fist was what my mother must be going through in the outer room. My father had died at the age of thirty seven under the exact same circumstances and I knew she would be having a hard time dealing with this. So even though it was clear that the doctor did not want visitors I asked if I could see her. I had a compelling need to tell her that I was going to be fine. To make her understand that I wasn’t going anywhere and she should let everyone know that. It could have been that obstinate character flaw of denial that is still evident in me today. She was emotionally unable to come to my side and later I felt quite saddened by it.
They had been administering morphine, that lovely I don’t feel anything drug that in all likelihood was the reason I felt as well as I did. The last thing I remember is the doctor telling the nurse to inject another dosage of so many whatever’s. Her voice was quiet as she explained to the doctor the amount that had already been injected. He acknowledged her input but obviously felt the urgency of the situation outweighed the possible problems that might occur and she did as she was instructed. By this time I personally had complete faith; after all he was the doctor and if he felt this was the right thing to do then so be it. It was then I left consciousness behind and began my own silent struggle to survive.
Later I was told that the next forty eight hours were touch and go. They discussed sending me by air ambulance to London for possible surgery or transplant. Thankfully it ended up not being necessary. I had sustained three heart attacks and even with that knowledge I was not aware of the very long road that lay ahead of me.
The Grim Reaper went home alone that night.
Continued……….
Quotation
When you live in the moment and live free, you’re living in Soul. So let go of each moment as it passes. Forgive any judgments. Detach yourself from this earth, from memories of the past, from expectations of the future. Do those things that awaken you to your Soul, and let the rest go.
(Author: John-Rodger)
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